The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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