There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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