my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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