I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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