You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize