When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
