I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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