I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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