sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
