Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
