someone threw a dead crab at me
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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