there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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