I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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