Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
