My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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