Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
