I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
