her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
