I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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