youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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