Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
