Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
