i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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