I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
