Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
