mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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