Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
