Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think my moral compass just broke
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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