I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
