I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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