I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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