I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
