I want to have your abortion
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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