I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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