i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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