I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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