I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
