Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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