Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This baby is an asshole
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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