i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
