My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
