Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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