Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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