glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
