he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
