you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
