Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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