everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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