Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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