I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think my moral compass just broke
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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