it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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