So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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