i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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