I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
