Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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