How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
