I heard we made out
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
