Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
