When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So much Jack, so little girl.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
